Avoidance as a coping strategy...What's the Impact?
Emotional avoidance, and avoiding thinking about stress, or uncomfortable thoughts is a common way to cope. As a therapist for over a decade now, I've heard this almost daily in my work helping many diverse, and unique individuals.
The reason being, is because our brain tells us it's a great way to cope. We feel relief by distracting from what's bothering us, it creates a distance from our suffering. However, then when the reality hits us,we feel it over and over again, often more intense then before. This is especially true with anxiety. It actually can be viewed as a way our body and mind is signaling to us, "HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME, DEAL WITH THIS, RESOLVE IT..."
Interestingly, when we tell ourselves don't think that way, or don't feel this way, we actually think about it 10 times more, and it just adds more strong emotions like shame, guilt, and feelings of anxiety about when it will come up again, unsure how to cope. Just try it. Tell yourself don't think about a brown table. Now continue reading this article, and remember don't think about a brown table.
I share this to remind us all, that yes sometimes there are situations where we need to "set that thought/feeling over there and deal with it later, when we have time," however making this a pattern to cope really doesn't help us to cope long term. In fact, if we are busy on a task that requires our attention, such as driving and we get lost, we need to refocus our concentration on the current task, finding our way out of being lost, and want to avoid thinking about other things unrelated. We do have the ability to separate our thoughts in this situation. It can be successful to do this, with a catch.
The catch is, that later on we must have a meeting with our self. I know it may sound silly, however it works! Choose a time each day (doesn't matter the exact time as long it is consistent daily). Then redirect your thoughts mentally to a list for the self-meeting each day, or you can actually write/type out the list to direct what you reflect on. When that chosen time of day occurs, or close to it as possible, sit down and spend time reflecting on the listed thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Breathe in, exhale and let it go. Sit with it, and allow calmness to become present. Now you can transition onto your next task.
Now remember that thing I said, not to think about? Ask yourself how many times you thought about it while reading the above paragraph. Does this prove to you that you can't just tell yourself don't think about it, and it disappears? Remember a brown table most likely doesn't have any strong emotions, memory, or thoughts attached to it to enhance the recall memory of it, and this illustrates how telling ourselves don't think about something that is distressing actually INCREASES our distress level and makes us think about it more then we want to.
Focusing on creating a space to understand, and naming our emotions, is a first step to creating more balance in our lives. Next step is seeking help from a professional to have a safe space to share, and just sitting with our emotions while feeling supported and connected to someone who cares. This helps to reduce the avoidance pattern. When we avoid emotions we continue to send them back into the nervous system, increasing the stress and anxiety we experience each moment of each day. Science based research reinforces the experiences we have to tell us this. Consider trying these exercise skills outlined in this blog daily, and seeking out a connection with a therapist today for more support through individualized interventions matched to your unique needs and concerns.
